Managing Power Struggles with Preschoolers: A Balanced Approach

22 June 2025

Parenting a preschooler can sometimes feel like negotiating with a tiny but determined boss. One minute, they're cuddling in your lap, and the next, they’re refusing to put on their shoes like it's a power play for world domination. Sound familiar?

Power struggles are a natural part of childhood development, but they don’t have to turn into daily battles. With the right approach, you can guide your little one through these moments without losing your sanity. Let’s dive into some practical strategies to handle power struggles while keeping peace in your home.

Understanding Power Struggles in Preschoolers

Before we tackle solutions, it’s important to understand why power struggles even happen in the first place. Preschoolers are at a stage where they’re developing independence and testing boundaries. They crave control, and when they don’t get it, resistance kicks in.

Some common triggers for power struggles include:

- A need for independence – "I want to do it myself!"
- Frustration from limitations – "Why can’t I have candy for breakfast?"
- Overwhelm or tiredness – Meltdowns often happen when kids are exhausted.
- Seeking attention – Sometimes, a battle is just their way of getting you to engage.

While it’s tempting to lay down the law and win every battle, constant power struggles can lead to frustration on both sides. The key is to balance authority with respect and connection.

Effective Strategies to Manage Power Struggles

1. Offer Choices, Not Commands

No one likes being told what to do all the time—including preschoolers. Instead of issuing direct commands, try offering limited choices.

🚫 Instead of: “Put on your shoes now!”
✅ Try: “Do you want to wear your blue sneakers or the red ones?”

Giving them options makes them feel empowered while still steering them in the right direction.

2. Pick Your Battles

Not everything needs to turn into a showdown. Ask yourself—Is this really worth fighting over? If your child wants to wear mismatched socks or insists on eating their sandwich in a circle instead of a square, let it go. Save your energy for the non-negotiables, like safety and kindness.

Think of it this way: If you were a boss who micromanaged every little thing, your employees (aka your kids) would start resisting just out of frustration. Give them space to express themselves in harmless ways.

3. Use Positive Reinforcement

Preschoolers respond well to praise and encouragement. Instead of focusing on what they’re doing wrong, highlight what they’re doing right.

For instance, if your child usually fights about putting away toys, praise them when they do it without a fuss: “Wow! You picked up your blocks so quickly today. That was really helpful!”

This encourages them to repeat good behavior rather than seek attention through defiance.

4. Set Clear and Consistent Boundaries

Kids thrive on routine and predictability. When they know what’s expected of them, they’re less likely to push back.

If bedtime is at 8 PM, stick to it—don’t allow 15-minute negotiations every night. Be firm yet kind: “It's bedtime now. I know you want to keep playing, but sleep helps your body grow strong.”

Consistency helps reduce pushback because kids learn there’s no wiggle room.

5. Stay Calm and Collected

Easier said than done, right? But here’s the thing—when you lose your cool, it escalates the situation. Kids feed off your energy, so if you’re frustrated, they’ll mirror that.

Instead of reacting with anger, take a deep breath and respond calmly. If needed, walk away for a moment to collect yourself. A calm response signals that you’re in control, which helps your child feel secure.

6. Redirect Instead of Saying 'No'

Saying "no" too often can make kids more determined to do exactly what you’re trying to prevent. Instead, try redirection.

🚫 Instead of: “No, you can’t jump on the couch!”
✅ Try: “The couch isn’t for jumping, but let’s see how high you can jump on the floor!”

This shifts their attention while still setting boundaries.

7. Use Empathy and Validation

Sometimes, all your child wants is to feel heard. Instead of dismissing their frustration, acknowledge it.

For example, if they’re upset about leaving the playground, you might say:
"I know it’s hard to leave because you’re having so much fun. It's okay to feel sad, but we have to go now. We'll come back another day!"

When kids feel understood, they’re more likely to cooperate.

8. Offer a 'Do-Over'

Preschoolers are still learning how to manage their emotions. If they get upset and react poorly, give them a second chance to try again.

If they shout at you instead of asking nicely, you can say: “Let’s try that again. How can you ask me in a kind voice?”

This teaches them that mistakes are okay and gives them a chance to practice better responses.

9. Create a Predictable Routine

Kids love routines because they provide a sense of security. When they know what to expect, there’s less room for power struggles.

Try using visual schedules with pictures of daily activities—morning routine, playtime, meals, bedtime, etc. This helps preschoolers understand what’s next and reduces resistance.

10. Use Humor to Diffuse Tension

Sometimes, laughter is the best way to break a power struggle. If your child refuses to brush their teeth, turn it into a silly game—pretend their toothbrush is a spaceship that needs to "blast off" into their mouth.

A little playfulness can shift their mood and avoid a meltdown.

What to Avoid During Power Struggles

Not all approaches are helpful when dealing with a strong-willed preschooler. Here are some common mistakes to avoid:

- Bribing – While short-term rewards may work, constant bribing can create an expectation of rewards for basic tasks.
- Threatening – "If you don’t do this, you won’t get that!" can backfire and cause more defiance.
- Yelling – Raises stress levels for both you and your child, making cooperation even harder.
- Ignoring Feelings – Saying “Stop crying!” doesn't help; acknowledging emotions does.

Final Thoughts

Power struggles with preschoolers are normal, but they don’t have to rule your days. By offering choices, setting clear boundaries, using empathy, and keeping a sense of humor, you can manage these situations with less stress.

Remember, your little one isn’t trying to make your life difficult—they’re just learning how to navigate the world. With patience and consistency, you can guide them through this stage while maintaining a positive connection.

So, the next time your preschooler refuses to put on their coat, take a deep breath and try one of these strategies. It might just turn a battle into a bonding moment.