The Power of Praise: Encouraging Effort Over Perfection

13 September 2025

Let’s be real—parenting isn’t for the faint of heart. Between endless snack requests, school projects, tantrums, and bedtime battles, we’re juggling a lot. But in the middle of all that chaos, there lies one powerful parenting tool that’s often overlooked: praise. Not just any praise, though. We’re talking about the kind that boosts confidence, builds resilience, and lays down the foundation for a lifelong love of learning.

That tool? Praising effort over perfection.

Sounds simple, right? But there’s a real science (and magic!) behind it. Whether you’re a first-time parent or a seasoned pro, shifting how we praise our kids can transform not only how they see themselves but how they respond to challenges, mistakes, and setbacks. Ready to dig into it? Let's do this!

Why the Way We Praise Matters So Much

When our kids bring home a stellar report card or finish building a LEGO masterpiece, our natural instinct is to say, “You’re so smart!” or “Wow, you’re amazing at this!” That kind of praise feels good—both to say and to hear. But here's the kicker: it might be doing more harm than good.

Why? Because it puts the focus on outcomes and labels rather than the process behind the success.

When we say “You’re so smart,” kids might begin to associate their worth with being right, perfect, or the best. So what happens when they face something hard and don’t get it right immediately? They may shut down, afraid to fail, because failure would mean they’re not smart—which, in their world, is the worst thing ever.

On the flip side, when we say something like “I love how hard you worked on that essay,” we’re telling them that effort is what counts. And effort, unlike innate intelligence, is always under their control.

Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset: A Quick Breakdown

You might've heard about this concept before—Carol Dweck’s research on mindsets has been a game-changer in both education and parenting.

- Fixed Mindset: This is when a child believes their intelligence or abilities are set in stone. If they struggle, they think it means they’re just not good at something.
- Growth Mindset: Here’s where the magic happens. Kids with this mindset know they can grow through effort and persistence. They understand that mistakes are just stepping stones to success.

Our words—as parents—play a massive role in shaping which mindset our children develop.

Praise That Builds Resilience and Grit

So how do we shift from praising results to praising the process? Easy. We focus on effort, strategy, persistence, and problem-solving.

Here are a few examples of what that sounds like:

- “You didn’t give up, even when that puzzle got tricky. That’s real determination.”
- “I saw how you tried different ways to solve that math problem. That’s smart thinking.”
- “It must’ve taken a lot of focus to finish that story. Great effort!”

See the pattern? It’s not about getting it right—it’s about pushing through, trying new strategies, and putting the time in.

This kind of praise encourages kids to keep going, even when things get tough. It makes them more likely to say, “I haven’t figured it out—yet,” rather than, “I can’t do it.”

Why Perfectionism Isn’t the Goal (And Never Should Be)

Let’s address the elephant in the room—perfectionism. It’s sneaky. It creeps in when we least expect it, disguised as high standards, strong work ethic, or simply not wanting to mess up.

But here’s the deal: perfectionism can paralyze kids.

They may avoid trying new things, procrastinate on assignments, or have emotional meltdowns when things don’t go as planned. Perfectionism isn’t about wanting to do well—it’s about needing to be perfect, and that’s just too much for any child (or adult, honestly) to carry.

By praising effort, we send a clear message: It’s okay to mess up. What matters is that you tried and that you’re learning.

Building Confidence—One “You Tried!” at a Time

Think back to your own childhood for a sec. What praise or encouragement stuck with you the most? Chances are, it wasn’t someone telling you you were the best. It was someone saying, “I’m proud of how you handled that” or “You worked so hard to make that happen.”

Effort-based praise hits different because it’s personal. It recognizes the grind, not just the glory.

For kids, this kind of validation helps them feel capable. It reinforces that they have what it takes to overcome obstacles—and that their worth isn’t tied to always being “right” or “perfect.”

Practical Tips for Praising Effort Over Perfection

Now, let’s get into the good stuff—how you can turn this into a habit.

1. Be Specific With Your Praise

Instead of generic “Good job!” try something like:
- “You showed a lot of patience with your little sister. That’s not easy.”
- “I love how carefully you colored in the lines. You really paid attention!"

This kind of feedback lets them know exactly what behavior you’re proud of—and encourages them to keep it up.

2. Embrace Mistakes as Learning Opportunities

When your child messes up, resist the urge to swoop in and fix everything. Instead, say:
- “Mistakes help us figure out better ways next time. What did you learn from this?”

By normalizing failure, we remove the fear around it.

3. Celebrate Persistence, Not Just Wins

Did your child spend an hour building a LEGO tower that kept falling over? Celebrate that grind!
- “You kept rebuilding even when it toppled down. That kind of grit is impressive!”

It’s about reinforcing that effort is a win, even if there’s no trophy at the end.

4. Avoid Labels (Even the Positive Ones)

“You’re so smart,” “You’re a genius,” “You’re a natural”—these might feel like compliments, but they can backfire. Labels create pressure.

Instead, say things like:
- “You figured that out—how did you do it?”
- “You’ve really improved because you’ve been practicing a lot!”

5. Model the Behavior Yourself

Let your kids see you mess up and keep going. Say things like:
- “Wow, that recipe didn’t turn out how I expected. I’m going to try a different method next time.”
- “Whew, that was tough, but I’m proud I didn’t give up.”

Kids learn more from what we do than what we say.

Real-Life Scenarios: Praise in Action

Let’s break it down with a few everyday examples:

Your child gets a bad grade on a test.

Instead of: “What happened?! I thought you studied.”
Try: “That test was tough, huh? I saw how much time you spent preparing—I’m proud of that. Want help figuring out what to try next time?”

Your toddler tries to tie their shoes.

Instead of: “You’re not doing it right. Let me help.”
Try: “Wow, you’re really figuring out the steps! Keep trying—I know you’ll get it!”

Your teen auditions for a role and doesn’t get it.

Instead of: “Well, maybe acting just isn’t your thing.”
Try: “It took courage to audition. That’s a big deal. Every experience helps you grow.”

See the theme? It’s about recognizing their journey, not just the outcome.

The Long-Term Benefits of Effort-Based Praise

Kids who grow up being praised for effort tend to:
- Handle failure better
- Try new things more often
- Set realistic goals
- Work harder in the face of setbacks
- Maintain higher self-esteem

That’s the good stuff, right? We all want our kids to be confident, resilient, and motivated—and it turns out, the words we choose play a huge role in that.

Final Thoughts: Changing the World One “Good Try” at a Time

Parenting is filled with little choices that add up to big impacts. Praise is one of those deceptively small things that can actually shape how our kids see the world—and themselves.

By shifting our focus from perfection to progress, we empower our kids to believe that they are capable, strong, and enough—no matter the outcome.

So next time your child tries something new or struggles with a tough chore, pause before you blurt out “You’re awesome!” Instead, look a little closer. Notice the determination in their eyes or the way they creatively approached a challenge. And tell them that.

Because in the end, effort is the real superpower—and it deserves every bit of praise.