When Twins Get Competitive: How to Foster Healthy Development

23 May 2025

Twins share a bond that’s truly unique—a connection that’s hard to put into words. But let’s be honest: along with all the adorable twin moments come challenges, one of the biggest being competition. Whether it’s vying for your attention, excelling in school, or beating their sibling in a friendly game, competition between twins can get intense. And as parents, navigating this delicate dynamic can feel like walking a tightrope.

So, how do you ensure that your twins thrive individually without their competitive streak overshadowing their growth? Let’s dive into the world of twin rivalry and look at strategies to foster healthy development.

Understanding the Root of Twin Competition

The first step in addressing competitiveness is understanding why it happens. It’s not just about fighting over toys or who’s taller (though, let’s admit, those arguments happen too). It’s much deeper than that.

Twins often compare themselves to each other because they’re naturally grouped together—after all, they’ve been sharing space since the womb! From their earliest days, people compare them: Who walked first? Who talks more? Imagine growing up constantly measured against your sibling. It’s no wonder competition occasionally rears its head.

But remember, competition isn’t all bad. Like a spark to a flame, a little rivalry can motivate kids to push themselves and try harder. The key is making sure it doesn’t spiral into resentment or self-doubt.

Signs That Competition is Becoming Unhealthy

Not all sibling rivalry is damaging. In fact, it’s completely normal for twins to squabble and challenge each other now and then. But as parents, it’s important to watch out for red flags that suggest things are taking a turn for the worse. Here are some signs to keep on your radar:

- Constant Comparison: One twin repeatedly feels inferior because they’re always measuring themselves against the other.
- Low Self-Esteem: When one (or both) starts doubting their abilities due to their sibling’s accomplishments.
- Jealousy or Resentment: You notice bitterness brewing between them, especially after one twin succeeds.
- Avoiding Activities: If your child quits trying new things out of fear they won’t match their sibling’s performance.
- Overcompetitiveness: They compete so intensely that it strains their relationship.

Sound familiar? Don’t stress—these behaviors can change with the right approach.

Strategies to Foster Healthy Development

Let’s get real for a second: parenting twins is no walk in the park. But by making a few tweaks to how you approach their unique relationship, you can help nurture their individuality and keep their bond strong.

1. Celebrate Their Differences

Twins might look alike (if they’re identical) or share the same birthday, but that doesn’t mean they’re the same person. They each have their own personalities, strengths, and quirks. Highlight these differences!

For example, if one twin loves sports and the other is into art, support them in pursuing their passions. This helps them see that different doesn’t mean better or worse. Encourage them to take pride in what makes them unique, rather than trying to outdo each other.

2. Avoid Labels and Comparisons

Ever find yourself saying, “Emma’s the smart one, and Ella’s the sporty one”? As harmless as it might seem, this kind of labeling can cause lasting harm. It pigeonholes your kids into roles, which can fuel insecurities.

Instead, focus on each child’s efforts and achievements without comparison. Instead of saying, “Wow, you did better than your sister on the test,” try something like, “You worked so hard on that test, and it shows!”

3. Encourage Teamwork

Want to diffuse competition? Turn them into a team. When twins work together toward a shared goal, they’re less likely to see each other as rivals.

Set up activities where they can collaborate instead of compete. For example:
- Ask them to cook a meal together.
- Organize a family game night with teams (parents vs. kids).
- Encourage them to tackle group school projects if allowed.

When they succeed together, they’ll realize how powerful they are as a duo.

4. Spend One-on-One Time with Each Twin

This one’s huge. Twins often share everything—their room, their toys, even their birthday cake. Giving each child one-on-one time with you helps them feel valued as an individual.

It doesn’t have to be elaborate. A quick ice cream date, reading a book together, or even running errands can make a world of difference.

When you carve out that special time, it shows them they’re not just “one of the twins” but a unique person in their own right.

5. Teach Them to Cheer Each Other On

In competitive moments, remind your twins that they’re each other’s biggest fans. This might not click right away (especially if they’ve just fought over who gets the last slice of pizza). But over time, encouraging them to celebrate their sibling’s wins can strengthen their relationship.

Maybe your child’s soccer team won, and their twin feels left out. Instead of letting bitterness stew, nudge them to say, “Great job out there—I’m proud of you!” These little moments of support can help shift their mindset from rivalry to camaraderie.

6. Model Healthy Conflict Resolution

Let’s face it, we all argue. What matters is how we handle it. Show your twins that conflicts can be resolved respectfully. When they fight, don’t just step in and play referee. Instead, guide them in talking through their disagreements.

For younger twins, this might look like helping them use words to express their feelings. Older twins? Teach them how to listen, compromise, and apologize when necessary.

Over time, these skills can help them navigate competition in a way that strengthens (rather than strains) their relationship.

When Should You Step In?

As much as we’d love for kids to work everything out on their own, there are times when parents need to step in. If the competition is causing emotional harm—either to one twin’s self-esteem or their overall relationship—it’s time to act.

Talk openly with your twins about what’s going on. Sometimes, just acknowledging their feelings can go a long way. And if tensions are running high, consider leaning on a therapist or counselor who specializes in sibling dynamics.

Remember, the goal isn’t to eliminate competition entirely. It’s to create an environment where your kids can shine as individuals and as siblings.

The Silver Lining of Twin Competition

Here’s the good news: while rivalry can be challenging, it’s also an opportunity. By addressing competitiveness early on, you can teach your twins valuable life skills—like resilience, empathy, and teamwork—that will serve them well into adulthood.

And let’s not forget the beauty of the twin bond. Sure, they’ll bicker and compete (what siblings don’t?). But at the end of the day, they share a connection that’s unlike any other. With your guidance, they can grow into confident individuals who lift each other up, rather than tear each other down.

So next time your twins squabble over who draws the better unicorn or who’s faster at tying their shoes, take a breath. Remember: it’s all part of the journey.