Opinion | What I Learned About Parenting as a Trans Dad

June 21, 2026 - 19:21

Zach Ellams, a trans dad, reflects on how the journey of parenting reshaped his understanding of shame and self-acceptance. Before becoming a father, he carried a heavy burden of internalized fear about how others would perceive his family. The idea of explaining his identity to teachers, doctors, and other parents felt like a constant source of anxiety. But the moment his child was born, something shifted. He realized that his shame was a luxury he could no longer afford.

Parenting forced him to confront his own discomfort head-on. When his child started asking questions about bodies and families, Ellams had to answer honestly without flinching. He learned that children do not care about societal labels or the politics of identity. They care about love, safety, and consistency. By modeling openness, he taught his child that difference is not something to hide. In turn, his child taught him that the fear of judgment is often worse than the judgment itself.

Ellams now sees his trans identity not as a complication but as a gift to his parenting. It gave him the tools to teach resilience and empathy from day one. He no longer worries about fitting into a narrow definition of fatherhood. Instead, he focuses on being present, listening, and showing up. The shame he once felt has been replaced by a quiet confidence. He learned that the best way to protect his child from shame is to first let go of his own.